Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, November 11, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

The great comedian Groucho Marx has been dead for about 40 years now but I can remember as a little kid, sitting on the living room rug and watching him on “You Bet Your Life” on our black-and-white TV. He started in vaudeville with his brothers, Harpo and Chico, and his one-liners became classics. Once he dropped this gem on his audience, “If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.”

So as we open this week’s edition of “The Saturday Funnies,” kindly remember I didn’t write this stuff. Absolutely wonderful stories are sent to me every week by readers, from only heaven knows where, who know I delight in each as though it is a gift. First up comes the story of “The Wise Woman and The Stone:”

“A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation.

“The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said, “I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious.

“Give me … what you have within you … that enabled you to give me something more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.” – Author unknown.

* **

THE THINGS YOU WILL LEARN AS YOU GROW OLDER

So the deal is this: a number of people, all different ages, were asked what is the smartest thing they have learned thus far. Hold on tight because these are awesome:

* -- I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 5

* -- I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7

* -- I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

* -- I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12

* -- I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

* -- I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

* -- I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

* -- I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26

* -- I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

* -- I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30

* -- I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42

* -- I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44

* -- I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

* -- I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

* -- I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48

* -- I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

* -- I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

* -- I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51

* -- I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

* -- I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

* -- I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

* -- I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

* -- I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

* -- I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

*--  I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

* -- I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

* -- I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 74

* -- I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.  Age 76

* -- I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 80

* * *

STRESS COMES IN DIFFERENT PACKAGES

You pick up a hitchhiker! A beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital. 

Now that's stressful. 

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are NOT the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, and you have been since birth. You're relieved...BUT…

Suddenly you think about your wife and your four kids at home.

Now that is stress in the strongest degree!

* * *

THE MAN WHO ALWAYS ORDERED THREE BEERS

A man walked into a small Irish pub and ordered three beers. Bartender was surprised, but he served that man three beers. One hour later the man ordered three beers again. The very next day that man ordered three beers again and drank quietly at a table. This repeated several times and shortly after the people of the town were whispering about the man, who was ordering three beers at once.

A couple of weeks later, the bartender decided to clear this out and inquired: “I do not want to pry, but could you explain, why do you order three beers all the time?” The man replied: “It seems strange, isn‘t it? You see, my two brothers live abroad at the moment, one – in France and another – in Italy. We have been keeping up the family bond“.

Soon all the town have heard about the man‘s answer and liked it a lot. The man became a local celebrity. Residents of the town were telling this story to newcomers or tourists and even invited them to that pub to look at Three Beer Man.

However, one day the man came to pub and ordered only two beers, not three as usual. The bartender served him with a bad feeling. All that evening the man ordered and drank only two beers. The very next day all the town was talking about these news, some people prayed for the soul of one of the brothers, others quietly grieve.

When the man came to pub the next time and ordered two beers again, the bartender asked him: “I would like to offer condolences to you, due to the death of your dear brother”. The man considered this for a moment and then replied: “Oh, you are probably surprised that I order only two beers now? Well, my two brothers are alive and well. It‘s just because of my decision. I promised myself to give up drinking.”

* * *

“If at first you don’t succeed …then skydiving ain’t for you.”

royexum@aol.com



Roy Exum: The School Board Bullies

When the good people of Signal Mountain join with their loved ones to give thanks for many, many blessings on this hallowed Thursday, you can bet the Hamilton County Department of Education will be on nary a list. For the past year a diligent advisory committee has studied the feasibility of forming its own school district and exactly one week prior to Thanksgiving, the misguided ... (click for more)

Trickle, Trickle Little Star

I thought the children's tune might be so suitable to the fairy tale story of the GOP once again spreading fairy dust to us and on us. They pretend that all will be well if we put about $1 billion into the Trump family or we share bounty with the Koch Brothers by sending truckloads of money to their chicken plants. Oh, but for one small problem. The fairy dust clouds our otherwise ... (click for more)

3 People Shot Early Saturday Morning; 1 Is Killed; 2 Victims Are Known Gang Members

Ladarius Cross, 28, Terrance Careathers, 26, and a juvenile were shot early Saturday morning. Cross was killed.   Chattanooga Police responded to a motor vehicle crash at 5:16 a.m. in the 1400 block of Roanoke Avenue.   Upon arrival, Chattanooga Police Officers located the single vehicle crash with two people suffering for apparent gunshot wounds. The driver, ... (click for more)

CSAS Teacher Who Was Once Reported Missing Facing DUI Charge

A teacher at Chattanooga School for the Arts and Sciences, who recently was reported missing and then was spotted, has now been arrested. John Albert Eaton, 44, was arrested Sunday in Red Bank on a DUI charge. He gave his address as 9580 Sweet Gum Lane, Soddy Daisy. Eaton's wife had reported him missing after she said he told her he was going to the school on a Sunday afternoon ... (click for more)

LSU Hammers Vols 30-10 In Hoke's Debut As Interim Coach

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. – Butch Jones is long gone. But Tennessee’s on-field results Saturday were about the same as they’ve been since Georgia humiliated the Vols 41-0 on Sept. 30. Nationally ranked LSU’s defense effectively stymied Tennessee’s offense most of the game and the Tigers got two rushing touchdowns in a 30-10 SEC victory before an announced crowd of 96,888 at Neyland ... (click for more)

UTC Finishes Tough Season With 10-3 Win Over ETSU

A youthful Tom Arth knew he was facing the biggest coaching challenge of his life back in the spring when he was hired as the next head man for the Chattanooga Mocs football team, but he didn’t know exactly how challenging it would be. It hasn’t been the season that Arth had planned as things didn’t always go as he had hoped, but the best news is that the season finished on a ... (click for more)