Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, December 2, 2017

In the late 1990s, the football coach at Kentucky was Hal Mumme, who I had met while he moved up in college football’s ranks. One day in Lexington he introduced me to his offensive coordinator, Mike Leach, and I immediately latched onto him, following his career at Texas Tech and currently at Washington State. He is easily one of the best coaches in the country at any level.

Earlier this week my heart skipped a beat when it was revealed UT athletic director John Currie --- who was severely chastised yesterday – had spoken with Leach about becoming the Vols’ head coach. Mike’s WSU team was one game away from the Pac-10 championship before Washington waxed the Cougars, 41-14 in the annual Apple Bowl. Still, a 9-2 record in Pullman ain’t as bad as a 4-8 in Knoxville.

One report coming out of the nigh-crazy scramble was that Currie had reached a verbal agreement with Leach before UT chancellor Beverly Davenport called him back to Knoxville. She promptly suspended Currie, making Phillip Fulmer the interim guy. But this story has nothing to do with any of that.

Several days before last Saturday’s fight for the Apple Cup in the state of Washington Delicious, a sports writer in Pullman asked “The Pirate,” as Leach is sometimes called due to his strong affection for all things Jolly Roger, if he might have a tip or two on marriage. Understand, Leach is known for his hysterical humor and the reporter’s timing couldn’t have been better. (Leach once took his wife on a date to A&W Root Beer and, as she got out of the car, Mike handed a coupon book to her with the words, “Get anything you like …)“

Only by a trace of luck 10 days ago, a couple of camera crews caught Mike’s epic answer and sports people the world over are still laughing… Here is part of what he said:

* * *


(Taken from a video of Washington State’s Mike Leach)

“My Wisdom would be: You have to stay out of the way...

“When it comes to marriages, the women lose their minds. Your fiancé is going to lose her mind. Your mother in law is going to lose her mind. Your mom is going to lose her mind...

“They’re going to barrage you with constant questions. What should we wear? To which my answer is: I don’t care. What color should the invitations be? I don’t care. What should be have for dessert? I don’t care.

“You see, I don’t care is not satisfactory at all. You’re going to get caught in a catch-22, and I’m sure you already have. That Catch-22 is, ‘I want you to be a part of this too!’

“So what color invitations? Alright, the blue ones. ‘I kind of like the tan ones.’ Alright, the tan ones, then. ‘Well, you’re just saying that because you want this over with, you’re not even thinking about it!’ Which is of course, true.

“It’s just going to go back and forth and they’re going to play keep away from you until you’re married. So, what you need to do is work late hours. Be very nice and supportive, but they’re going to play keep away from you and there is no answer you can give that is going to be satisfactory and correct.

“So you need to work late. Go in the back room and read a lot of books. You have to go take the groomsmen out and make sure that they march in just right. In the end, you’ll wish you eloped.

“You need to find excuses that they’ll buy to stay as far out of harm’s way as you possibly can. But take comfort in knowing that once the ceremony is over that life will get progressively better from there, even though there is some adjustment.” (To watch Mike’s rant, click HERE)

* * *


* -- On Texas Tech’s first victory (over New Mexico): “It’s kind of like doing surgery with a chainsaw instead of a scalpel. We had pieces and parts flying everywhere. It turned out in our favor. We’ve just got to clean it up the next time around.”

* -- An admonishment to his players: “If you get into a fight, don’t take your helmet off. We’re looking for smart football players, not dumb ones.”

* -- “Moses was in high school the last time these guys lost a Homecoming game.”

* -- On social media: “I'm not really good with technology. All this button pushing and whatnot. I mean, you can just imagine based on what's happened in the last 15 years. Conversations won't happen 10 years from now. There aren't going to be people to talk to, it's going to be this [mimics pushing buttons]. 'Do you want to go out on a date with me?' 'I don't know, what do you look like?' 'Well I look kind of like this.' 'OK, what are your interests?' 'Well, what do you think my interests are? Looking to this thing and typing into this just like yours are.' 'Yeah, no kidding, that's what everybody's doing.' 'Well, where do you want to go?' 'Well, what difference does it make? Because all we're going to be doing is looking into machines anyways.' Well, that's true and in the end, it's going to be tough to perpetuate the species. There's no question about that. So we're all going to look in this box and eventually be extinct. That's how it ends.” 

Appointing Justices Is More Important Than A President Of Moral Character - And Response (2)

I'm trying hard to understand why there's been so little criticism on the part of conservatives and evangelicals towards a President that paid $280,000 worth of hush money to a porn star, Stormy Daniels, and a Playboy Playmate, Karen McDougal during the campaign.  If this had been any other president the outrage would be constant and harsh.  Where is the outrage on the ... (click for more)

Problems With Bike Lanes And The School System

Bike Lanes:  There was a notice in the paper that MLK Boulevard from Georgia Avenue to Central Avenue was being reduced from four lanes to three lanes so that bike lanes could be installed. After looking at a survey on the that showed 98 percent of the people did not want this to happen, I am trying to understand why the people in the city were not given ... (click for more)

City May Make It Easier For Food Trucks To Operate In Chattanooga

The City Council is considering action that would make it easier for food trucks to operate in Chattanooga.  City Attorney Wade Hinton said cities like Austin and Portland have thriving food truck operations and Chattanooga is studying those models. He said, "It's truly an industry there." He said a 2013 food truck ordinance was limited and did not allow food trucks on ... (click for more)

Haslam Proposes $30 Million For School Safety

Governor Bill Haslam Tuesday proposed $30 million to improve school safety across the state in the amendment to the fiscal year 2018-19 budget proposal to be considered by the General Assembly in the coming weeks. The funding includes $25 million in nonrecurring and $5.2 million in recurring school safety grants. Earlier this month, the governor appointed a School Safety Working ... (click for more)

Ooltewah Wins Wildcat Classic Again

Early season prep baseball tournaments are meant for a few things; primarily competition, repetition, and learning a few things about your team over the course of a few games.   The Ooltewah Owl baseball nine apparently has learned it likes collecting championship trophies in them as well.   For the second year in a row, the Owls won the longstanding ... (click for more)

Lady Vols Fall To Oregon State, 66-59, In 2nd Round Of NCAA's

KNOXVILLE-- Senior center Mercedes Russell logged her 46th career double-double with 21 points and 14 rebounds to lead Tennessee, but it wasn't enough as the No. 12/13 Lady Vols (25-8) fell to No. 13/12 Oregon State (25-7) in the second round of the NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament. Freshman Anastasia Hayes also had a double-digit outing for the No. 3 seed Lady Vols, posting ... (click for more)