Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Friday, July 13, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

(Roy Exum took a fall, on his newly-operated knee on Friday, and will be out for a few days. This is one of his Saturday Funnies from a few months ago.)

It is purported that “The Letter from The Sick Bed” came from the hand of Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, and while I can find no evidence this is true, its message is one we should never ignore in this week’s version of “The Saturday Funnies.” It has become my custom to collect the good things and funny things that come from my friends on the Internet each week.

In most cases I have no idea who originally wrote these but the fact they make me laugh and think and learn is a good way to end each week – happier, smarter and wiser.

So here is “A letter from a Sick Bed” that I find delightful:

"I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world. In others’ eyes, my life is an epitome of success. However, aside from work, I have little joy. In the end, wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to.


“At this moment, lying on the sick bed and recalling my whole life, I realize that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in, have paled and become meaningless in the face of impending death.

“You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone to bear the sickness for you.  Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost – health and life itself.

“When a person goes into the operating room, he will realize that there is one book that he has yet to finish reading – "Book of Healthy Life". Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down.

“Treasure love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends. Treat yourself well. Cherish others. As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or $30 watch - - they both tell the same time; whether we carry a $300 or $30 handbag - - the amount of money inside is the same; whether we drink a bottle of $300 or $10 wine - - the hangover is the same; whether the house we live in is 3,000 or 300 square feet -- loneliness is the same.

“You will realize, your true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world. Whether you fly first or economy class, if the plane goes down -- you go down with it.

“I hope you realize, when you have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, who you chat with, laugh with, talk with, have sing songs with, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth – that is true happiness.

FIVE UNDENIABLE FACTS OF LIFE

1. Don't educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy so when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price.

2. Best awarded words in London ... "Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food."

3. The one who loves you will never leave you for another because even if there are 100 reasons to give up, he or she will find one reason to hold on.

4. There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it.

5. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, you have to manage!

NOTE: If you just want to walk fast, walk alone! But if you want to walk far, walk together!

THE SIX BEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD

1. Sunlight

2. Rest

3. Exercise

4. Diet

5. Self Confidence

6. Friends

Maintain them in all stages of life and you will enjoy a healthy life.

* * *

‘THE DUMBEST KID IN THE WORLD? PLEASE!’

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

After the customer leaves the barber shop, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store with his newly purchased ice cream cone.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the two quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone, smiled, and replied in a sly way, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."

* * *

HOW A HOMELESS WOMAN GOT A GRAND DINNER

A well-dressed lady was approached by a homeless woman one day on the street. The homeless woman asked for a few dollars for something to eat. The lady pulled a $10 from her purse and then asked the woman, "If I give you this, are you going to buy wine instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to give up drinking a long time ago," said the woman.

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to go shopping for clothes instead of eating?"

"No way. It is all I can do just to stay alive on the streets."

"Well, if I give you this, are you going to get your hair done instead of having a meal?"

"No, I have not even washed my hair in over a month. Why would I do that, I am just hungry."

"Well," said the lady, "I am not going to give you this $10. Instead I am going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The woman said, "Are you sure you want to do that? I am so dirty and I smell awful."

"Oh, that's OK. My husband needs to see what happens to a woman who gives up wine, shopping and having her hair done!"

* * *

A ‘SWEET SIXTEEN’ IN LIFE LESSONS

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

royexum@aol.com


For The Benefit Of Soddy, Keep Rick Nunley, Robert Cothran

For the benefit of Soddy Daisy,  please keep Rick Nunley and Robert Cothran on the Soddy Daisy City Commission. Those are two men who have made the city of Soddy daisy great. Rick Nunley and Robert Cothran have both worked hard for the city. Please, re-elect Rick Nunley and Robert Cothran for Soddy Daisy City Commission. ... (click for more)

Stop Mahan Gap Sewer Plant - And Response

Hit the pause button, please.  Improved sewer service is needed in Hamilton County.  $3 million for 150 +/-  acres of flood plain and wildlife habitat is not the answer.  Let's find a better solution. If WWTA would justify their actions they wouldn’t have to defend themselves against angry mobs like at the recent public meeting.  ... (click for more)

Chattanooga Police Investigating Shooting That Victim Says Happened A Week Ago

Chattanooga Police responded to a local hospital on Friday evening after a person arrived with a gunshot wound.   The injured man told police he was shot on Thursday, Oct. 11. He said he was shot while on the dance floor of a club somewhere along Brainerd Road.   If you have any information about the incident, call Chattanooga Police at 423-698-2525. You ... (click for more)

Corker Doubtful On Latest Saudi Version Of Death Of Writer At Consulate In Istanbul

Senator Bob Corker, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, on Friday expressed doubt about Saudi Arabia’s claims regarding the death of Jamal Khashoggi, a Saudi journalist and columnist for The Washington Post. He said, “The story the Saudis have told about Jamal Khashoggi’s disappearance continues to change with each passing day, so we should not assume their ... (click for more)

Mocs Soccer Ties VMI 2-2

The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga came back from a 2-0 deficit early with a pair of first half goals. The two teams battled it out for a draw in the season finale for both teams. The Mocs close out the year at 8-7-3 overall and 4-3-2 in league play, tied with Mercer for sixth in the standings. The Keydets are 6-8-2 on the year and 0-8-1 against the conference. “As ... (click for more)

Baylor, GPS, CCS Advance To State Soccer Semifinals

Baylor traveled to Briarcrest in Memphis on Saturday to compete for a Division II-AA final four spot.  After play to a 0-0 tie in the first half, Baylor would find itself down 1-0 in the 63rd minute when Anna Strong scored off a corner kick.  That lead did not last long as Ara Rhodes scored the game tying goal one minute later off an Avery David corner kick. Two minutes ... (click for more)